I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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