What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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