I just pynch a tree in the face
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
