Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
