So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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