can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
