I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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