hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
