You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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