tequila makes me forget i have legs
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
