just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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