So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
