Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
