I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
