listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He passed out mid-signature
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
where are my eyebrows?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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