There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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