When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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