Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
