I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
