i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Bring me that man meat
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
