help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
