i think my mom watched the whole time
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My ass is underappreciated
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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