One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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