Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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