The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
