He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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