Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
