I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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