I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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