Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
