she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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