When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
