I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
so much tequila, so little girl.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
