The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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