I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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