Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
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