you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
