I am full of burrito and curiosity
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
