You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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