she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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