Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
