his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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