I haven't been this sober since birth.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
