I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
