I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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