Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
