I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
being pregnant is like rehab
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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