so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
