I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Who died my cat blue again?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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