So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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