seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
