the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
